am i pretty?

On privilege, beauty, and self

This can be potentially triggering, so keep reading with caution.

From a young age, we are told what to wear, what to say, and how to act. That’s mostly normal, it’s called socialization. And as we know, it leads to stereotyping and societal standards—more specifically: beauty standards. But what even is beauty?

[mass noun] a combination of qualities, such as shape, colour, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight, or a combination of qualities that pleases the intellect

These standards that are imposed upon us provide advantages for those who meet them. That’s a fact. It starts at a young age. If you’re pretty, people approach you. They want to talk to you, believe (in) you, and as you grow older and stay pretty or hot or sexy, you are given jobs and have doors opened for you that wouldn’t necessarily open otherwise. But there is a downside to all this: you’re the perfect target for unwanted attention. You get catcalled, stared at, hit on and sometimes even grabbed by strangers. Mostly men.

Full disclosure and vulnerability here: I wouldn’t say I’m body goals by societal skinny standards, but I have a pretty face (I guess, lol, it feels weird to say that) and a sense of style. The other day, I was walking in a fairly calm but still touristy area in Amsterdam, minding my own business, when a group of men in their thirties passes by. I wasn’t even able to properly register it, but one of them called after me and said something that I don’t even remember now. He was either asking for my number, asking me out, or telling me how good I look. It’s always one of those three things. But see, I have no recollection of what he said, and yet I can vividly recall the sensation of literally wanting to crawl out of my own skin or shrivel up into a thousand tiny pieces. I felt violated, and I was wearing baggy jeans, a sports bra, a knit sweater underneath a leather jacket, and a scarf. This man saw something he liked—something he approved of—and felt the need to express this inappropriately.

Beauty is a double-edged sword, I’m telling you.

I’m not going to lie: I’ve mostly internalized the idea that being skinny is what makes you pretty and successful and better. When the world went into lockdown in 2020, 14-year-old me thought, “This is my chance to become skinny.” And I did lose some weight, and I did get those typical ‘wow’ reactions that (looking back) are more than questionable and frankly, extremely toxic. It’s all so fucked up and to be honest, I struggle with it to this day. Once you kick that ball into motion, there’s really no catching up in today’s society.

There’s a constant pressure to measure up to these ideals, and it impacts our self-esteem, self-image, and our life chances and choices. Pretty privilege is real, and it’s a problem. We shouldn’t have to worry about how we look in order to work a job. I shouldn’t have to worry about whether the size of my boobs is going to have men leering after me on the street the second I show some skin. Are my breasts going to be received positively (advantageous to me) or negatively (disadvantageous to me)? It’s lose-lose, either way. All of it is so deeply engrained in our minds and in the ways that our society works, and it frustrates me. It frustrates me that I can never catch a break when it comes to what I eat, what clothes I wear, and how my body changes based on what mood I’m in. Being surrounded by girls who are visibly skinnier or objectively prettier than me is exhausting. I’m in a constant state of fright, pressure, and always feel overlooked. Parties and group outings make me anxious because of this. I want to look attractive, and yet that implies I’m not, through which I’m essentially undermining myself.

My body feels foreign, not really mine. I’ve given it away to posted pictures on the internet and adjectives attributed to it. Pretty, gorgeous, doll-like. Ugly, inappropriate, chubby. “Smile more.” “Eat less.” “Start working.” “Stop crying.” Rinse, repeat. Whether it’s the sting of comparison or the warmth of validation, none of it ever feels right. It’s superficial and invalidates who we are and can be as people. It limits you before you even have a chance to change—something you shouldn’t have to do in the first place.

Body positivity movements are great for changing your attitude towards this and yourself if you’re in a bad place, but personally, I think body neutrality is the best approach. It’s the middle ground between body positivity and negativity and the act of taking a neutral stance towards your body. This applies to both your emotional and physical state. I think it’s mostly about being at peace with your body, wherever you’re at. I know that getting there for me is an extremely rocky road, and I may never get there, but honestly, don’t knock it till you try it.

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I understand that this subject matter is difficult to discuss and talk about, but if you need help please refer to your national hotlines or support centers. I’m always down for a chat, though. Feel free to share the article and subscribe to Funny story! I really appreciate it and am happy to be able to share my thoughts with you <3